Zomtek Productions

All things must pass...

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 19:07:00 -0600

we’re out!

this is now the old site.

deal with it.

Why in God's name haven't you visited my awesome blog!

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:47:55 -0600

Doesn’t everyone want to know about what’s going on in my sweet little preteen life!

GO TO MY PAGE OR ELSE SATAN SHALL FEAST UPON YOUR SOULS!!!

The Alex Justice Satanic Rock n’ Roll Revue

http://justiceisserved.tumblr.com

Zomtek Art Show Part 2: The Birth of Santa/Satan

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 12:27:22 -0600

The great author Jules Verne once said, “I believe cats to be spirits come to earth.” And just as those cats came to earth this picture clearly shows the dark path of the American economy during the Bush administration. Being implanted as a tiny seed, deep within it’s mother’s womb by and alien/demon lover. Then, swelling and pulsating within her grotesquly stretched and deformed body. And finally, bursting forth from her abdomen in the form of Santa Claus and devouring her flesh to feed his demonic bloodlust for the destruction of mankind. “It wasn’t a Holly Jolly Christmas THAT year… For many, were killed.” -Alex

Zomtek Art Show Part 1: Ball Two!

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 10:40:51 -0600

“What I was trying to incapsulate with this piece was how mundane blue collar middle class social mores, such as little league baseball, can be on independent thinkers and artistic types. I also felt it relevent to remind my audience the awesomeness of flamethrowers.” -Ben

Sad News

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:57:46 -0600

On a serious note, Zomtek is saddened to learn of the death of fan Josh Defoe. He was only 19 years old. Memorials can be made to White Tail Forever or Rescue 33.

Photo

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 08:43:49 -0600

The Zomtek Halloween Special

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:27:44 -0600

The Zomtek Halloween Special

“That bitch is dead.” -Mac, It’s Always Sunny...

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 11:08:37 -0500

“That bitch is dead.”

-Mac, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Alas poor Felony Streetfights, we hardly knew yee. Due to a change in rules on Youtube regarding violence, Felony Streetfights is no longer available. The changes were meant to stop terrorist training videos, videotaped drive-by videos, and pipebomb how-to videos. But we’re just an example of the little guys that fall through the cracks.

So if graphic violence is what you’re looking for, you won’t find it on zomtek’s youtube page. You’ll just have to settle for going to the movies, watching the news, or looking out your window.

Drive-in Cult Classics Review #1: Malibu High

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:58:00 -0500

Drive-In Cult Classics. 8 movies about girls that hate to wear shirts.

REVIEW #1: Malibu High (1979)

Kim Bently is a teenage girl with a lot of problems. She doesn’t have a car, her mom’s always hassling her about grades, and Kevin. her newly lost boyfriend is going “in style” to the dance with Annette, the richest girl in school.

But Kim’s got a plan. “Starting tomorrow it’s going to be an all new scene.”

Kim’s first call to action is to seduce her history teacher Mr. Donaldson. He meets her at High Point, a secluded area by the beach. To paraphrase Magneto in X-men 2, Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who is interested in you. Kim blackmails Mr. Donaldson by threatening to tell his wife about a birthmark on his leg. Kim wants an A in his class and so she can graduate with top honors. With her newfound attitude Kim visits a local drug dealer Named Tony who moonlights as a pimp. She begins working for Tony and is finally able to buy a car.

In a move clearly pandering to the drive in crowd, Kim does most of her prostitutin’ out of her pimp Tony’s van. In one of the film’s more ridiculous scenes, there is literally a line of construction workers waiting beside the van.

While on some alone time at the beach, Kim is approached by Lance, a classy pimp that can offer her bigger and better. He has a nice place and even gives Kim some cocaine. But it’s not all glam and cocaine with Lance. Kim’s first John, who looks eerily like Magnum P.I., only likes it rough. He pulls out some chains (“Hey! What is all this stuff?”) then begins to choke Kim. In a fit of desperation Kim grabs an icepick and stabs Magnum in the back. Kim realizes that she likes the thrill found in murder so Lance buys her a gun and convinces her that she can make better money killing people than being with them. “I may be hooker but i’m not a hitgirl.”, “Then it’s time you graduated (It’s what she’s always wanted!)

Kim’s first hit: Tony! “He’s a smartass and he’s been ticking off the wrong people.” She shoots him in a parking garage. She is paid with a classy car. It’s only half the payment though. She’s got to kill another guy that owes some debts and hasn’t been listening to the warnings. She seduces him up to High Point. This was probably one of the more depressing parts of the movie. He’s a sad looking guy that just seems lonely. He’s so happy when he sees her there at High Point. He seems to be genuinely excited to be about to have anonymous sex with an underage girl in a public area. His last words are “you’re really here! I thought this was some kind of joke.” Kim then shoots him in the face.

Kim then visits Mr. Donaldson to remind him that she’ll be getting an A in his class. He tells her it’s out of his hands because “you can screw the teachers but you can’t screw the school.” Princple Elmherst has gotten wise to her sudden grade changes. He finds it rather odd that she’s getting A’s in all her classes except in Ms. Damons’ english class (Like she wouldn’t take her to high point too…). Mr. Mooney the physics’ teacher turned rat and came clean. Mr. Elmherst is telling Kim off when he begins to have heart pains. He is saved by pills in his coat. Mr. Elmherst then makes plans to go to Kim’s house so he can tell her mother she will be expelled.

Mr. Elmherst goes to Kim’s house at the right time, only to find that Kim’s mother has left to buy groceries. Kim secretly takes his heart pills and flushes them down the toilet. On her return from the bathroom she starts to seduce Mr. Elmherst. He begins to have a heart attack and dies without his pills.

With Mr. Elherst’s prying eyes shut for good, Kim’s free to graduate high school. Lance promises to take her to Tahiti to celebrate. But there’s a catch. Kim has to do one last hit. Her target is Harry, a rich crime boss that has gotten out of line. Kim poses as a prostitute (or would that be poses as his prostitute?) and kills Harry while he’s making a drink. PLOT TWIST! Harry is the father of Annette, her old boyfriend’s new flame. After confronting Kim, Annette is shot. Old boyfriend Kevin then chases Kim across the beach. Even though she has a gun, Kim seems afraid of Kevin. She hides behind a rock and points her gun at him (finally). Kevin begs for his life, Kim is then shot by a police officer standing on a hill above the beach. Kim’s dead body is then splashed by a wave. That’s deep man. Deep.

THE END

Key Moment: In a scene dripping with intensity, Kim blames her mother’s drab looks and constant cleaning for her father’s suicide.
Kim: honestly mom, how many times have you already dusted today?
Mom: Just trying to keep things clean. And you’re certainly no help
Kim: Clean? More like anti-septic. You’re always fussing, but you don’t care about yourself. Look at you. You’re always in that rag.
Mom: Really kim, what do you expect me to wear? An evening gown? Or maybe one of the minks your father left me?
Kim: Don’t joke about daddy, no wonder he couldn’t stand it here. You could have looked decent once and a while. Instead of worrying about dirt and dust and greasy build-ups. Maybe then you wouldn’t have driven daddy away and maybe daddy wouldn’t have killed himself because he couldn’t get it up anymore!
(Cut to Disco Music)

Runner up: The pot induced flashback. Kim opens a door and sees her father dangling from a rope.

There’s no quality like low quality: When kim punches Kevin’s new girlfriend in the face, her fist comes no where near close. And as to quote Alex, “Malibu High must have been at Love Canal cause all these women look like mutants.”

Body Count: 8

Noteworthy:
* One of Bill Clinton’s harem used the same tactic as Kim did with Mr. Donaldson. Maybe she saw this movie too?
* Kevin’s rich girlfriend looks exactly like Linda Cardinelli on freaks and geeks.
* Kim’s method for killing Mr. Elmherst was used in season 3 of 24. (maybe this movie was ahead of it’s time?)
* When Lance is convincing Kim to become a “hitgirl”: “oh baby you’re gonna dig this action!”
* When Mr. Elmherst is confronting Kim about sleeping with her teacher’s to get good grades he says “I know all the tricks!” How many teachers sleep with their students at Malibu High?
* Sitting behind Kim in her english class is a guy with the worst unibrow i’ve ever seen. with his one massive eyebrown and mustache, his face looks like an equal sign. No joke.

Should you watch it? Probably not. Even with being filled with sex and violence this movie was pretty boring.

-Ben

zomtek gets a little too close to the truth

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 07:59:00 -0500

Possibly noticed and previously mentioned, Night of the Bald Rapist!!! had a bit of a delay from filming to posting. The story became sadly close to something awful that happened in town literally the day of reshooting the gun shot scene (it obviously wasn’t two different girls getting shot by the cops right? RIGHT?). So as not to be viewed exploitive or the like, it was put on hold for a bit.

Bigger question: at the end when the guy says, “I love it when a plan comes together.” who is he talking to? it doesn’t make any sense. I think it was just some “writers” that thought a joke would be funny but were too lazy to find a way for it to actually fit.

_____________________________________________________________

Late night at work or a hot night out on the town, with another...

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 07:46:42 -0500

Late night at work or a hot night out on the town, with another woman?!

Part two of the zomtek series of one word titles …. TRUST

Long delayed, highly anticpated…. NIGHT OF THE BALD...

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 07:40:58 -0500

Long delayed, highly anticpated….

NIGHT OF THE BALD RAPISTS!!!

wizard world

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 01:20:40 -0500

welcome visitors from wizard word chicago. we are an independent video group. sometimes we’re funny on purpose, sometimes its funny by accident. thanks for visiting.

So uh...

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 07:24:39 -0500

It turns out there’s a part 4 to Saw 12. hopefully you’ll find it gripping-er and conclusiony-er.
It’ll be posted ????? someday. Whatever. Does anybody even watch this garbage?

-Ben

Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 17:33:17 -0500

Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb

Saw 12’s gripping conclusion.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 17:32:01 -0500

Saw 12’s gripping conclusion.

saw 12 part 2

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 17:30:00 -0500

saw 12

part 2

SAW 12 Part 1What will happen to Roger in Part 2????Stay...

Sun, 25 May 2008 14:14:42 -0500

SAW 12 Part 1

What will happen to Roger in Part 2????

Stay Tuned…..

BOMB SQUAD!!!

Sun, 25 May 2008 14:09:09 -0500

BOMB SQUAD!!!

The Zomtek Lessons (from Mike)

Mon, 19 May 2008 18:29:00 -0500

The Zomtek Lessons
Current mood: Watching for the Undead

Hey there kids. It’s been a while since you’ve had your eyeballs assaulted by some ZOMTEK gold and we sure do apologize for that. You can blame some connectivity issues for that, no that’s a lie. I’m sorry. Justice was watching Lethal Weapon 3 and couldn’t be bothered so….anyway. As we wait for the inevitable awesomeness that’s coming your way you may enjoy this little list of tips to follow if you find yourself in an undead situation. Read on Good Sir:..:

The Zomtek Guide to General Zombie Situations

There are several individuals here at ZOMTEK HQ who are actively destroying their minds by watching crappy zombie movies in the vain attempt that perhaps someone would benefit from it. So without further ado I present you with some life saving tips to remember:

Never go to Haiti. You will end up in a sugar cane factory or munching flesh. One of the two.

(Snake and the Rainbow, King of the Zombies)

If someone is persistently demanding that you let them eat your brains, I don’t care if it’s your grandma or the hottie across the street that you’ve been dying to take to the ice cream social, DON’T DO IT. It’s medically proven that having your brains eaten will kill you.

(Return of the Living Dead)

Don’t take stupid risks. If your g/f or b/f is being ripped out a window and torn limb from limb, running outside screaming and hitting zombies is just going to get you ripped limb from limb.

(All of them)

If you would like to work as a mortician and see an add for an old run down mortuary that is just aching to be “renovated” and your of a good mind to clean that shit hole up and turn that redneck backwards town around then you need to take the want ads, jam it down your throat so just the to is exposed and then set that baby off. People will live without you making an effort.

(Mortuary)

If for some reason you’ve found yourself behind bars and the warden approaches you about some new experimental programs that he wants you in, then kick that mans testicles up to his shoulder blades and buy yourself a few more years because that place is going to become a slaughterhouse.

(Zombie Death House, any Re-animator)

Never read from any book that is bound in flesh and inked in blood that looks like it could bite you. Stay away from that. In fact just burn it right away.

(Army of Darkness, Zombie 3)

If someone you know, lets say your 8 year old daughter, gets bitten by a creature and you don’t instantly hack your seed to death then you will be disemboweled by a trowel, and you’ll deserve it.

(Night of the living dead)

If you are driving in a large vehicle that is loaded with weapons and you see the most menacing zombie bastard ever, you blow that son of a bitch to pieces and then drive over the parts.

(Land of the Dead)

Don’t be that asshole who thinks he’s going to impress his buddies by wrestling with a zombie. You always lose. Plus you look like a tool doing it. Double lose

(Dawn of the Dead Remake ((extra scene)))

Being a giant Italian Fake wrestler who is into being a cowboy will always get you through to the fucking end. YOU NEVER DIE! Even when you die you just come back for some unbelievable gore.

(Plaga Zombie, Plaga Zombie: Zona Mutante)

If you’re a hot chick getting out of the shower after I’ve gotten my eyeball of your chest goodies and something breaks into your house and you run to a secluded closet that happens to have slates and your trying to push a stupid chest against that door while that same thing is breaking those slates then you deserve to have one of those slates jammed into your god damn eye. I don’t care if that is the most fragmented sentence ever it needs to be said.

(ZOMBIE 2)

If your agent approaches you and said that I’ve got the deal of a life time. You can be in the sequel to Romero’s hit “Day of the Dead”. It’s called “Day of the Dead 2: Contagium”. You slap that man for being a huge boner that’s trying to screw you.

(Day of the Dead 2: Contagium)

Again if that same agent comes to you again and says “I’ve got a better deal. Video game spin-off of the fantastic House of the Dead series. We’ve got a real director behind this one, his name is Uwe Boll. What do you say?” The slap is no longer enough. Its throat slashing, kid killing time.

(House of the Dead)

If you find yourself under siege by the dead in some lone some house and they begin dancing it just means your not killing them quickly enough. REDOUBLE YOUR EFFORTS.

(Dead and Breakfast)

Zombies always Vote against the incumbent

(Homecoming)

If you’re the creepy family that has actually been hiding Hitler as your decrepit grandfather in hopes of taking over the world again and you kill a “KISS” like band whose leader just fell in love with a very (way to young) voodoo priestess, then they will come back to rock you to your grave.

(Hard Rock Zombies)

Fighting zombies if fucking cool. Fighting zombies and collecting a bounty on that is the greatest thing any of us will ever have the chance of achieving. ZOMTEK is waiting for that day to happen. We have even taken steps to insure that it does.

(The Quick and the Undead)

If you’re in a shitty zombie movie and Vincent Price is in it, it’s not shitty.

(Dead Heat ((also has an x-wing pilot from star wars in it)))

(((Super Geek for knowing that)))

Just because your fiancé became a zombie slowly and didn’t eat you for some reason, does not give you justifiable grounds for divorce. FOR SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. I’m still waiting for this to happen to my wife (that’s right Amber I would stick with you)

(Zombie Honeymoon)

Zombies DO NOT go Wild.

(Zombies gone Wild)

Porn of the Dead is not as cool as you would think. It didn’t have enough of either thing that would make it cool.

(Porn of the Dead)

Having a triple shotgun mounted device may look cool but you’re wasting ammo.

(Undead)

Repent – the End is Extremely Fucking Nigh. That sums up a lot of things

(28 Days Later)

Well that is going to do it for now. You all have a lot of information to absorb so reread this section seven more times and then go straight to bed, the test will be on Monday.

Hail Zomtek