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deal with it.
Doesn’t everyone want to know about what’s going on in my sweet little preteen life!
GO TO MY PAGE OR ELSE SATAN SHALL FEAST UPON YOUR SOULS!!!
The Alex Justice Satanic Rock n’ Roll Revue
The great author Jules Verne once said, “I believe cats to be spirits come to earth.” And just as those cats came to earth this picture clearly shows the dark path of the American economy during the Bush administration. Being implanted as a tiny seed, deep within it’s mother’s womb by and alien/demon lover. Then, swelling and pulsating within her grotesquly stretched and deformed body. And finally, bursting forth from her abdomen in the form of Santa Claus and devouring her flesh to feed his demonic bloodlust for the destruction of mankind. “It wasn’t a Holly Jolly Christmas THAT year… For many, were killed.” -Alex
“What I was trying to incapsulate with this piece was how mundane blue collar middle class social mores, such as little league baseball, can be on independent thinkers and artistic types. I also felt it relevent to remind my audience the awesomeness of flamethrowers.” -Ben
Drive-In Cult Classics. 8 movies about girls that hate to wear shirts.
REVIEW #1: Malibu High (1979)
Kim Bently is a teenage girl with a lot of problems. She doesn’t have a car, her mom’s always hassling her about grades, and Kevin. her newly lost boyfriend is going “in style” to the dance with Annette, the richest girl in school.
But Kim’s got a plan. “Starting tomorrow it’s going to be an all new scene.”
Kim’s first call to action is to seduce her history teacher Mr. Donaldson. He meets her at High Point, a secluded area by the beach. To paraphrase Magneto in X-men 2, Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who is interested in you. Kim blackmails Mr. Donaldson by threatening to tell his wife about a birthmark on his leg. Kim wants an A in his class and so she can graduate with top honors. With her newfound attitude Kim visits a local drug dealer Named Tony who moonlights as a pimp. She begins working for Tony and is finally able to buy a car.
In a move clearly pandering to the drive in crowd, Kim does most of her prostitutin’ out of her pimp Tony’s van. In one of the film’s more ridiculous scenes, there is literally a line of construction workers waiting beside the van.
While on some alone time at the beach, Kim is approached by Lance, a classy pimp that can offer her bigger and better. He has a nice place and even gives Kim some cocaine. But it’s not all glam and cocaine with Lance. Kim’s first John, who looks eerily like Magnum P.I., only likes it rough. He pulls out some chains (“Hey! What is all this stuff?”) then begins to choke Kim. In a fit of desperation Kim grabs an icepick and stabs Magnum in the back. Kim realizes that she likes the thrill found in murder so Lance buys her a gun and convinces her that she can make better money killing people than being with them. “I may be hooker but i’m not a hitgirl.”, “Then it’s time you graduated (It’s what she’s always wanted!)
Kim’s first hit: Tony! “He’s a smartass and he’s been ticking off the wrong people.” She shoots him in a parking garage. She is paid with a classy car. It’s only half the payment though. She’s got to kill another guy that owes some debts and hasn’t been listening to the warnings. She seduces him up to High Point. This was probably one of the more depressing parts of the movie. He’s a sad looking guy that just seems lonely. He’s so happy when he sees her there at High Point. He seems to be genuinely excited to be about to have anonymous sex with an underage girl in a public area. His last words are “you’re really here! I thought this was some kind of joke.” Kim then shoots him in the face.
Kim then visits Mr. Donaldson to remind him that she’ll be getting an A in his class. He tells her it’s out of his hands because “you can screw the teachers but you can’t screw the school.” Princple Elmherst has gotten wise to her sudden grade changes. He finds it rather odd that she’s getting A’s in all her classes except in Ms. Damons’ english class (Like she wouldn’t take her to high point too…). Mr. Mooney the physics’ teacher turned rat and came clean. Mr. Elmherst is telling Kim off when he begins to have heart pains. He is saved by pills in his coat. Mr. Elmherst then makes plans to go to Kim’s house so he can tell her mother she will be expelled.
Mr. Elmherst goes to Kim’s house at the right time, only to find that Kim’s mother has left to buy groceries. Kim secretly takes his heart pills and flushes them down the toilet. On her return from the bathroom she starts to seduce Mr. Elmherst. He begins to have a heart attack and dies without his pills.
With Mr. Elherst’s prying eyes shut for good, Kim’s free to graduate high school. Lance promises to take her to Tahiti to celebrate. But there’s a catch. Kim has to do one last hit. Her target is Harry, a rich crime boss that has gotten out of line. Kim poses as a prostitute (or would that be poses as his prostitute?) and kills Harry while he’s making a drink. PLOT TWIST! Harry is the father of Annette, her old boyfriend’s new flame. After confronting Kim, Annette is shot. Old boyfriend Kevin then chases Kim across the beach. Even though she has a gun, Kim seems afraid of Kevin. She hides behind a rock and points her gun at him (finally). Kevin begs for his life, Kim is then shot by a police officer standing on a hill above the beach. Kim’s dead body is then splashed by a wave. That’s deep man. Deep.
Key Moment: In a scene dripping with intensity, Kim blames her mother’s drab looks and constant cleaning for her father’s suicide.
Kim: honestly mom, how many times have you already dusted today?
Mom: Just trying to keep things clean. And you’re certainly no help
Kim: Clean? More like anti-septic. You’re always fussing, but you don’t care about yourself. Look at you. You’re always in that rag.
Mom: Really kim, what do you expect me to wear? An evening gown? Or maybe one of the minks your father left me?
Kim: Don’t joke about daddy, no wonder he couldn’t stand it here. You could have looked decent once and a while. Instead of worrying about dirt and dust and greasy build-ups. Maybe then you wouldn’t have driven daddy away and maybe daddy wouldn’t have killed himself because he couldn’t get it up anymore!
(Cut to Disco Music)
Runner up: The pot induced flashback. Kim opens a door and sees her father dangling from a rope.
There’s no quality like low quality: When kim punches Kevin’s new girlfriend in the face, her fist comes no where near close. And as to quote Alex, “Malibu High must have been at Love Canal cause all these women look like mutants.”
Body Count: 8
* One of Bill Clinton’s harem used the same tactic as Kim did with Mr. Donaldson. Maybe she saw this movie too?
* Kevin’s rich girlfriend looks exactly like Linda Cardinelli on freaks and geeks.
* Kim’s method for killing Mr. Elmherst was used in season 3 of 24. (maybe this movie was ahead of it’s time?)
* When Lance is convincing Kim to become a “hitgirl”: “oh baby you’re gonna dig this action!”
* When Mr. Elmherst is confronting Kim about sleeping with her teacher’s to get good grades he says “I know all the tricks!” How many teachers sleep with their students at Malibu High?
* Sitting behind Kim in her english class is a guy with the worst unibrow i’ve ever seen. with his one massive eyebrown and mustache, his face looks like an equal sign. No joke.
Should you watch it? Probably not. Even with being filled with sex and violence this movie was pretty boring.
Possibly noticed and previously mentioned, Night of the Bald Rapist!!! had a bit of a delay from filming to posting. The story became sadly close to something awful that happened in town literally the day of reshooting the gun shot scene (it obviously wasn’t two different girls getting shot by the cops right? RIGHT?). So as not to be viewed exploitive or the like, it was put on hold for a bit.
Bigger question: at the end when the guy says, “I love it when a plan comes together.” who is he talking to? it doesn’t make any sense. I think it was just some “writers” that thought a joke would be funny but were too lazy to find a way for it to actually fit.